Friday, 18 December 2015

Believe

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.


Time goes round and round. As it turn around, the long hand and short hand will probably meet but then they will be apart again.

What I'm saying is,
Even how long a friendship goes,
Even how much you love someone,
Even how well you tried to maintain the relationship,
Even how hard you tried to not give up and keep trusting,

People in our life don't always stay.

But,
Is it wrong for being loyal?
Is it wrong to keep trusting and hoping?
Is it wrong to wait even we know it won't come?

Yes, I'm naive enough to not being alert with things surround me. I'm easily trust people. I'm easily stabbed. I'm easily forgiving. I'm easily forgetting. Then, I'm easily trusting people and being stabbed again

And, is it wrong for being naive?

Although I've tried to not easily trust someone and be careful over and over again, I just can't. It's because that's the way I am. People surround me are the one who should stopped using me. Because no matter how hard I tried, I can't. I can't.

But why they love taking advantage of me? And why am I being such a fool instead?

Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.

Thursday, 10 December 2015

Missing

Assalamualaikum w.b.t.

You built up a world of magic,
Because your real life is tragic.

Have you ever felt like something's missing but you don't know what?

I always see it in drama like the boy got amnesia and being separated from the girl, then the boy feel like missing something but don't know but then when he met with the girl, he felt completed, even he doesn't remember who's the girl is. Okay that's drama.

And in real life, I've felt it now. I don't know why but it's really feel incomplete, like something is missing and I really need to know what and find it. It's not the happiness that I'm searching anymore. I'm just feeling like... I don't know, babe. I really don't know what I'm feeling.

But then I could think of one thing. And you, my dearest readers, can think of yours too.

Is my 'solat fardhu(s)' are complete?
Were my ibadah(s) been accepted?
Did I have any effort to make it perfect?
Am I really paying full attention and focus to Allah during solat?

But then I started to think again... yeah maybe my relationship with my Rabb is not so strong.

Plus, I think there's something I need for me to be completed.

I need to stop acting and pretending.

Yeah, I need a person who could see that I'm wearing a mask, and can bear with my true self. I feel myself changing from time to time but the change is not a change that I want, a change that I do to satisfied others' thoughts. All I know is, I've been pretending all this while and the saddest part is, I don't know myself anymore. I don't know which one is my true self anymore. But what can I do when the things happen in my life always keep me away from my own self. I want that part of me back.

That part of me that will truly say what I like and what I hate.
That part of me that always smile sincerely and never fake a smile even once.
That part of me that can easily share problems with my best friends(?).
That part of me that afraid of a thing and want to be took cared of.
That part of me that didn't care about people surrounding and just like to live alone.

Then what can I do when now, I can't be any of it?

I have to lie, being lied to and at last feel betrayed and disappointed.
I have to fake a smile and make everyone believe that I've live my life peacefully.
I have to tell everyone that I'm fine and doesn't have problems.
I have to do things on my own even if I'm afraid.
I have to do something 'attention seeker' like to make sure that people want to be my friends.

And I don't know if I even learned something from faking and acting to be all that. Are all that try to tell me that I'm all grown up and not pretending anymore? Are they? To be honest, I really feel like I'm all grown up sometimes when I don't do stupid things - like get mad on a little thing and know how to handle something - but yeah again and again I'm telling you, I don't know which is my rue self anymore. I really don't know, guys!

So because of that, I'm wishing to find someone that are comfortable of me taking of my mask and accept me like no other person  ever do. Only then, I could know my true self and won't be apart from it anymore.

Wassalamualaikum w.b.t.